It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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