i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
