just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
