Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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