Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
