It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
