dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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