I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
