it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize