yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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