The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
