You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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