You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Damn victory sex feels great
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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