why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
