She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
