God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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