I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I need to align my fucking chakras
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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