How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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