some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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