Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
