Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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