she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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