mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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