I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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