The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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