I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
