one might say we're banned from that church
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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