Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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