Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
