Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
