There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
