oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
