Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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