How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
