I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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