Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
