Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
