She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
