U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
