I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
