My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just blew my weed a kiss
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
