I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
