I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
