At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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