btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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