Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
