so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
