If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize