i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
