we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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