You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
