You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
