Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
