How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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