My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
