Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
