I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
