Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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