Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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