does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think weed is turning my hair brown
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
