final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
